I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
