i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think I just sharted jello shots
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
