so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
