Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
