I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
