I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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