I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
