I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
