I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
