i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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