i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
be right there i have to get my cape
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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