I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
