apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
