just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
