you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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