I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
