coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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