the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
