I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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