There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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