The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
