I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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