I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize