i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize