Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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