The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize