youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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