just tell him i said nine months
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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