Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
