You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize