there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
