you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
