Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
