My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
