I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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