There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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