make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
