Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
