You work out of a Hotel?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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