my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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