cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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