Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize