he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
