I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
