he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
