i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
