So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
