I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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