Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize