And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
