i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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