I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
