Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
