I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i now understand why vodka
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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